Waiting for our miracle

Still waiting for good news to come our way! Keep those prayers and good thoughts coming our way. I can't say just yet what you're praying for, but when it happens I'll let you know.

Even so, today was a good day. I spent my morning and afternoon with Buggy, went to school, and got to see HM in the evening for awhile. It's pretty much my perfect day. With so much stress in my life; school, work, finding better work, money, bills, etc. It's nice just to have time with them. Each of them separately of course, but together too. I cannot wait until they are the two I wake up to every morning and go to bed alongside every night,. One day it will happen for us, I just know it.

As far as the work thing goes, I started the job about two months ago now, maybe longer but I don't really remember. I love my job, I have a great boss and coworkers plus I LOVE what I do. I go to work happy to be there and leave happy having been there. I will admit I've had some stressful days to date but they're totally worth it. There's nothing better than loving what you do. The pay and hours are pretty crappy, but I do quite enjoy the job.

I got a couple of good leads today that would move my life in the right direction. A possible better job is one of them, the one I'm really hoping for would set me up for life pretty much. It's the whole package; 40 hours, benefits, stability. Pretty much everything most Michigan jobs are lacking nowadays. Keep us in your prayers readers, we need all the help we can get!

Until next time, we keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It's been awhile

So I'm pretty sure no one is out there, especially since I haven't written in months. But just in case anyone is, here's the update.


Buggy is officially A toddler. She's a walking, talking, running, person of her own. She eats by herself, drinks by herself, and can operate totally independently from me for an amount of time. This, my dear followers, is bittersweet. I miss who she was, I loved those baby days; yet I am totally in love with who she is at the moment. Every day she amazes me with all of the things she learns and knows. Barney is her favorite show, and baby einstein still too. She loves milk and eats all of her veggies! The terrible two's are on their way in (oh joy!) and sweet baby days are on their way out (tear). Bring it on two, we're heading full force.

As far as everything else goes, my wonderful friend who I mentioned before has become my even more wonderful boyfriend. I honestly don't know what we would do without him. He's there for me no matter what and is nothing but thrilled to be Buggy's dada. We are hopefully moving in together soon and starting our life as a family. I cannot wait to be with the two people I love most in this world every day and every night.

Sending her to HIM has not gotten any easier. It seems to me as though he's only stuck around because my boyfriend wants to be her dad. He causes nothing but problems and headache for all those involved. I cannot believe things have come to this. He dragged me through a horrible court case where he did nothing but lie to try to get his way. Now, even though everyone decided against him, he still thinks he holds something over my head. Can you believe it?

All I can say is what goes around comes around. We are happy and so much better off without him. I can see a very wonderful future for myself, Buggy, and my HM. Each day we grow closer to becoming the family that Buggy should have had from day 1. She was meant to be his baby and I was meant to be his BG. Until next time, we keep moving forward.

Time

Time seems to be passing so quickly. There is so much to do; taking care of Buggy, work, school, homework., housework, etc. Yet when I think of it, its only been a little while. Just a short time ago things were different. I thought I was happy, my child was thriving, and I was going to be married. Now, my baby cries every time her daddy comes to get her, and I cry for her. It seems like torture to me. How could I let him take her? How could HE take her? She cries so hard, I just wish I could scoop her back up and make the tears stop. My heart breaks every time I have to tell her it will be okay and that I love her and will see her soon. What kind of mother does that? Ugh, I'm so heartbroken.

Part of me knows that she has to see her daddy, but the mother in me tells me this isn't right. She never cries when he brings her back or when he leaves. Why would she cry only for me? What happens when I'm not around? I know she is well taken care of, but then again who really knows anything? I wish she understood that I don't want her to go and that I'm only doing it because her daddy loves her and wants to spend time with her too. I wish I could change the fact that she cries for me, and for my family. I wish I could help her. I wish I could get him to listen.

This process is so confusing for me. I can only hope that Buggy is alright. She's fine when she's with me. She is her normal happy, playful, carefree self. But for some reason I worry that isn't the case when she's gone from me. There have been things said that make me think otherwise. I don't want to keep her from her daddy, I just want her to stop balling when she leaves. I don't want her to be sad and to cry. I want her to be happy to be going with her daddy. I know there are worse things in this world. I know I should be thankful to have her here and to be able to hug her and kiss her, but what good is having her here if she isn't happy? Why can't he see that she cries because she doesn't want to go? Why can't he just let her stay home?

I'm so confused...I wish...well I just wish I guess.

Things aren't all bad. When it's just me and Buggy times are wonderful. We go places and do things. I teach her what I can. She is learning more words and doing new things each day. Soon she will be walking. I cannot wait for the months ahead. She is my everything and I would do anything in this world for her.

I'm trying to stay positive. I know she is in good hands when I am not around. Until next time...

Busy

This is what my life has been. I cannot believe it's been so long since I last updated the blog. Things have been their usual roller coaster of emotions, but the only constant things are the hustle and bustle and my Buggy. I cannot believe how on the go we are now. I've got to juggle; school, work, Buggy, homework, housework, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

I haven't really had much time to think lately, but when I did have that time tonight I didn't want it. I was so sad for some reason. I just could not keep my thoughts positive like I usually do. I wanted something, but didn't get it. That is fine I understand things happen. Yet when I had some time to sit and think, all of my thoughts went to unpleasant things. This has not happened to me in awhile, I was finally getting over the situation and loving my life as it is. There are a million reasons why I felt so sad and depressed but I honestly think it was a combination of lack of sleep, missing my Buggy, and missing something else.

There are times when I know that I can do this. I am strong and resilient, I'm a fighter. Nothing will stand in the way of my success. Though I do still want to be with someone, to find "the one," I just don't know. How am I supposed to know that he's true? Is it something I'll just know? I cannot handle history repeating itself when it comes to this. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not going to let Buggy's dad win, I WILL love again. I will love with all of myself just like I did with her dad. The only thing different is the next guy is going to love me back. I'm not saying that her daddy didn't love me, what I'm saying is the next guy will love me as much, or maybe even more, than I love him.

It's nice to think about the good things, it helps me make it through the day. For now all I know is that I've got my baby Buggy and there is nothing that will keep us apart. Together we put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward...

Last night

Was pretty much what I expected. I got out of class and ended up meeting a friend to kill some time and talk to one another. This worked out great, until my friend had to go home. We had a nice time talking and spending some time together. A few tears were shed, laughs were shared, you know the usual. Getting home and into bed was the hard part. I knew I would get there and Buggy wouldn't be waiting for me. She wouldn't come crawling to the door to greet me with her big toothy grin. Instead she was with him. Though I knew she was in good hands, I still missed her like crazy.

After forcing myself into bed, I tried to fill my time with watching stuff online. Which, of course, didn't work. I eventually got so exhausted that I fell asleep. First thing in the morning, I called him. He didn't answer. The previous evening, after I had gotten out of class, I tried to call as well but got no answer. I decided then I'd call him on my way to work. That ended up being a good idea. I spoke with him and he said she was fine. Temporarily that made me feel better.


I worked a long time today. Spent some time with my students, got four of my mains that I'll always care for, and didn't get a lunch. Apparently coming in at noon and working until after six doesn't get you a half hour break. This to me is ridiculous, but whatever I guess. I need a job and they gave me one.

There are countless things in life to get angry, upset, or aggrevated over but the most important thing is that we learn to let it go. I will never know what happens to Buggy at her daddy's house, but until then I trust they he is doing his best.

Each day is a new opportunity to get it right. I still keep taking it one step at a time..

Tears and Fears

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Dropping AnnaGrace off in her classroom and going to mine I knew something was off. She ended up having a pretty yucky day with her reflux. As she is still new to her classroom her teachers aren't a huge source of comfort for her yet. Luckily for me I didn't know until I picked her up. All in all she had a good day, which made me happy.

She spent the night with her dad last night. I have tried twice to get ahold of him, but haven't gotten through yet. I'm going to call him again on my way to work in a few minutes. I missed her something aweful last night. It was hard to sleep knowing she wasn't in her crib in the bedroom. But I got through it, and as soon as I hear from her dad I will be alright. Well I hope so anyway. I just need to know how she did. That she didn't cry. I hope he heard her. He always used to say he could never hear her, I certainly hope she wasn't up all night in her bed at his house crying until she fell asleep. It would break my heart.

Well, I'm going to go before I start balling again. Until next time

New Beginnings

This was the theme of my day. Buggy had a new beginning with school! She did wonderfully. Her teachers said she made a friend, ate her ENTIRE lunch, and only cried for about a minute after I stepped out of the room. I was so ecstatic to hear this. I praised her the whole way home. It was definitely a super proud mommy moment.

My friends brother that I mentioned a few posts back, had his service today. I don't believe that death is a goodbye, he got his new beginning in Heaven, with God. He is in a place of eternal happiness and I'll see him again some day. God needed him more than we did, but we'll meet again.

This brings me to my next new beginning, my own! Not only is my job going well, but I also had an actual conversation with Buggy's dad today. No arguing or yelling, just this is what's happening, yes we both agree, goodbye. I was so happy. I hate ending conversations with him on a bad not, it is so beneath us. Somehow it tarnishes who we used to be.

Also a new beginning for me, and slightly old I suppose, is the reconnection I made with my friends. I never truly realized how much I missed them. It's like I never stopped talking to them. They are still the nice, kind, funny people that I counted on so much back then. I also came in contact with some people I haven't seen since high school, some I have for various reasons, and others.

All in all, today was a good day. My Buggy and I are going to be just fine. I just always have to keep in mind; one step at a time...