Time

Time seems to be passing so quickly. There is so much to do; taking care of Buggy, work, school, homework., housework, etc. Yet when I think of it, its only been a little while. Just a short time ago things were different. I thought I was happy, my child was thriving, and I was going to be married. Now, my baby cries every time her daddy comes to get her, and I cry for her. It seems like torture to me. How could I let him take her? How could HE take her? She cries so hard, I just wish I could scoop her back up and make the tears stop. My heart breaks every time I have to tell her it will be okay and that I love her and will see her soon. What kind of mother does that? Ugh, I'm so heartbroken.

Part of me knows that she has to see her daddy, but the mother in me tells me this isn't right. She never cries when he brings her back or when he leaves. Why would she cry only for me? What happens when I'm not around? I know she is well taken care of, but then again who really knows anything? I wish she understood that I don't want her to go and that I'm only doing it because her daddy loves her and wants to spend time with her too. I wish I could change the fact that she cries for me, and for my family. I wish I could help her. I wish I could get him to listen.

This process is so confusing for me. I can only hope that Buggy is alright. She's fine when she's with me. She is her normal happy, playful, carefree self. But for some reason I worry that isn't the case when she's gone from me. There have been things said that make me think otherwise. I don't want to keep her from her daddy, I just want her to stop balling when she leaves. I don't want her to be sad and to cry. I want her to be happy to be going with her daddy. I know there are worse things in this world. I know I should be thankful to have her here and to be able to hug her and kiss her, but what good is having her here if she isn't happy? Why can't he see that she cries because she doesn't want to go? Why can't he just let her stay home?

I'm so confused...I wish...well I just wish I guess.

Things aren't all bad. When it's just me and Buggy times are wonderful. We go places and do things. I teach her what I can. She is learning more words and doing new things each day. Soon she will be walking. I cannot wait for the months ahead. She is my everything and I would do anything in this world for her.

I'm trying to stay positive. I know she is in good hands when I am not around. Until next time...

Busy

This is what my life has been. I cannot believe it's been so long since I last updated the blog. Things have been their usual roller coaster of emotions, but the only constant things are the hustle and bustle and my Buggy. I cannot believe how on the go we are now. I've got to juggle; school, work, Buggy, homework, housework, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

I haven't really had much time to think lately, but when I did have that time tonight I didn't want it. I was so sad for some reason. I just could not keep my thoughts positive like I usually do. I wanted something, but didn't get it. That is fine I understand things happen. Yet when I had some time to sit and think, all of my thoughts went to unpleasant things. This has not happened to me in awhile, I was finally getting over the situation and loving my life as it is. There are a million reasons why I felt so sad and depressed but I honestly think it was a combination of lack of sleep, missing my Buggy, and missing something else.

There are times when I know that I can do this. I am strong and resilient, I'm a fighter. Nothing will stand in the way of my success. Though I do still want to be with someone, to find "the one," I just don't know. How am I supposed to know that he's true? Is it something I'll just know? I cannot handle history repeating itself when it comes to this. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not going to let Buggy's dad win, I WILL love again. I will love with all of myself just like I did with her dad. The only thing different is the next guy is going to love me back. I'm not saying that her daddy didn't love me, what I'm saying is the next guy will love me as much, or maybe even more, than I love him.

It's nice to think about the good things, it helps me make it through the day. For now all I know is that I've got my baby Buggy and there is nothing that will keep us apart. Together we put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward...

Last night

Was pretty much what I expected. I got out of class and ended up meeting a friend to kill some time and talk to one another. This worked out great, until my friend had to go home. We had a nice time talking and spending some time together. A few tears were shed, laughs were shared, you know the usual. Getting home and into bed was the hard part. I knew I would get there and Buggy wouldn't be waiting for me. She wouldn't come crawling to the door to greet me with her big toothy grin. Instead she was with him. Though I knew she was in good hands, I still missed her like crazy.

After forcing myself into bed, I tried to fill my time with watching stuff online. Which, of course, didn't work. I eventually got so exhausted that I fell asleep. First thing in the morning, I called him. He didn't answer. The previous evening, after I had gotten out of class, I tried to call as well but got no answer. I decided then I'd call him on my way to work. That ended up being a good idea. I spoke with him and he said she was fine. Temporarily that made me feel better.


I worked a long time today. Spent some time with my students, got four of my mains that I'll always care for, and didn't get a lunch. Apparently coming in at noon and working until after six doesn't get you a half hour break. This to me is ridiculous, but whatever I guess. I need a job and they gave me one.

There are countless things in life to get angry, upset, or aggrevated over but the most important thing is that we learn to let it go. I will never know what happens to Buggy at her daddy's house, but until then I trust they he is doing his best.

Each day is a new opportunity to get it right. I still keep taking it one step at a time..

Tears and Fears

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Dropping AnnaGrace off in her classroom and going to mine I knew something was off. She ended up having a pretty yucky day with her reflux. As she is still new to her classroom her teachers aren't a huge source of comfort for her yet. Luckily for me I didn't know until I picked her up. All in all she had a good day, which made me happy.

She spent the night with her dad last night. I have tried twice to get ahold of him, but haven't gotten through yet. I'm going to call him again on my way to work in a few minutes. I missed her something aweful last night. It was hard to sleep knowing she wasn't in her crib in the bedroom. But I got through it, and as soon as I hear from her dad I will be alright. Well I hope so anyway. I just need to know how she did. That she didn't cry. I hope he heard her. He always used to say he could never hear her, I certainly hope she wasn't up all night in her bed at his house crying until she fell asleep. It would break my heart.

Well, I'm going to go before I start balling again. Until next time

New Beginnings

This was the theme of my day. Buggy had a new beginning with school! She did wonderfully. Her teachers said she made a friend, ate her ENTIRE lunch, and only cried for about a minute after I stepped out of the room. I was so ecstatic to hear this. I praised her the whole way home. It was definitely a super proud mommy moment.

My friends brother that I mentioned a few posts back, had his service today. I don't believe that death is a goodbye, he got his new beginning in Heaven, with God. He is in a place of eternal happiness and I'll see him again some day. God needed him more than we did, but we'll meet again.

This brings me to my next new beginning, my own! Not only is my job going well, but I also had an actual conversation with Buggy's dad today. No arguing or yelling, just this is what's happening, yes we both agree, goodbye. I was so happy. I hate ending conversations with him on a bad not, it is so beneath us. Somehow it tarnishes who we used to be.

Also a new beginning for me, and slightly old I suppose, is the reconnection I made with my friends. I never truly realized how much I missed them. It's like I never stopped talking to them. They are still the nice, kind, funny people that I counted on so much back then. I also came in contact with some people I haven't seen since high school, some I have for various reasons, and others.

All in all, today was a good day. My Buggy and I are going to be just fine. I just always have to keep in mind; one step at a time...

Feelings change

This is the point I'm at currently. My feelings are changing. My heart no longer hurts for him. I can make it through a day without thinking about him or without longing for him. I don't miss his touch, his kiss, his love. Although I will admit that I miss who he used to be, who we used to be. But I have also come to realize that I will never get that back.

Does this mean I've moved on? Or does it mean I'm just getting used to being without him? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know that I am positive that I do not want to be with him anymore. I will always love him because he is Buggy's father, but I am not IN love with him. This, for me, is a big step.

On a lighter note, I started my job today and LOVE it. I can't imagine working anywhere else in the world right now. Buggy has her first day tomorrow and I'm excited to see how she reacts. I am a little worried that she'll cry, but I know she will have fun and be well taken care of. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to work there and have the convenience and piece of mind knowing that my Buggy is right in the next room.

I'm keeping my head up, and still taking it one step at a time with one foot in front of the other. Positive is how I'm ending this post.

A Tragedy

I woke up this morning feeling pretty refreshed, my Buggy slept through the night. Thank goodness she's feeling better. Then as I logged into facebook I found out some very unpleasant news. A friend of mine lost her older brother sometime last night or early this morning. No one has said how or why yet, but nonetheless it's a tragedy. He was only in his twenties and had so much life to live. This just reaffirms my new philosophy on life, say what you want and do what you want because tomorrow is never promised. Honesty is my new policy, I will not lie or hold feelings back because I may not wake up tomorrow.

Rest in peace my friend, I hope you are looking down on us and smiling. We lost you but God has you in his arms now, I guess he just needed you more than we did. Your family will be in my prayers, give them strength, they are going to need it.

Today I am not going to post about myself or my own feelings, it isn't right. Today is a day to remember a young man taken too soon.

Alone

Is what I am at night. Do you know that time of night, just before you fall asleep, when all of the problems you try to forget during the day come back? That's where I am. Buggy is asleep in her crib, and here a lay, alone and thinking.

What is it about the daytime that allows us to forget? Distractions maybe? Or the simple knowledge that we are conscious and cannot dream for our desires. This process is so grueling. If I could just get some foresight, a couple of months from now, just to see if I'm truly going to be alright.

Each DAY seems a little better than the last, each night on the other hand varies. Being alone is something that most people don't want to be. But I also don't just want a body, I want THAT body. The one that was meant for me. The one I thought I found. I will never give up hope that the man for me is out there, but the waiting is what hurts.

Buggy's daddy was my first real love, the love I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. I was prepared to be his wife and mother to all future children. Yet here we are, living separately, splitting our child's life into two halves, and alone. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be forever. Forever and always!! That's what we said. Why us? Why now? What happened?

How could we go from our highest to lowest point like it was nothing? I know I was always honest, yes there were things I needed to change, but obviously it wasn't just me. This sucks. I want to cry, scream, yell, and hide. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to get to this point. Devastated that my child is now, like me, from a broken home. Sad for what was and what could have been. Yet hopeful, that I will find the right man for myself and my daughter. Yes, she will always have her father, but we will find someone else.

Until such a day, I am happy being just Buggy and me. I am going to show her that she doesn't need a man to be happy, that she doesn't need a man to support her, and that she deserves everything she wants in this world but doesn't need a man to give it to her! We are woman, hear us roar!! Together we put one foot in front of the other, and take it one step at a time.

Okay

That is how I feel today. After yesterday's events I totally spaced on the fact that my online class started, luckily for me the instructor didn't drop me!

Today is about me and Buggy. She had a HORRIBLE night. Cried and whined almost all night long, but we got through it and she slept until noon. This was a good thing. She doesn't even seem to be off of her schedule. It stinks that she's going through some kind of pain at night and I cannot help her. It can be one of two things: teething, severe reflux, or both. Either way, I do my best to make her comfortable and lull her back to sleep. Lucky for me, Barney can be easily found on youtube.

As far as the papers, I've not really thought much about them. My attorney says that there isn't much to worry about, so I'm taking his advice and not stressing about it. I'm confident in my ability to raise my child and to provide a safe and stable living environment for her.

So for now I'm savoring every single moment I have with her, taking lots of pictures and videos, and looking out for her and I. Still putting one foot in front of the other, and taking it day by day. If you're out there and going through this, you're not alone. Together we will get through this.