So today was not a good day. I've known there were custody papers coming, I was just not prepared for what I was about to receive. There are so many thoughts running through my head, how can I keep them all straight?
I had such a good day yesterday, but two steps forward one step back. I now have 21 days to get some money together, find a lawyer, and file my own papers. It isn't going to be easy when I am just starting my job monday, but I have no other choice.
How could he do this to her? How could he do this to me? This is something he told me he would never ever do, but now he is! I am in utter disbelief of the current situation. Every time I think things are changing and getting better, he throws another low blow, and I'm back to feeling hurt and alone.
I've got so many people supporting me and trying to help that I could never thank them all. Most of them don't even know this blog exists. Thank you everyone, I love you and appreciate you. If I don't seem to pleasant the next couple of days just give me some time.
Until then I keep on moving, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I've got my girl and that's all I care about. She is my number one priority.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Communicating with....
Him. So far this process has been a roller coaster. One day we're getting along and the next we are arguing. The most complicated part of this process is having to constantly see the person who hurt me most in this entire world. Normally healing is easier because you break up and that's it, but having his child, I have to see him at least 3 days a week. Thus slowing my process even more.
Most days I can just give her to him, make some small talk, and watch Buggy leave. Other days I'm just sad because of the situation we are in. The beginning was the hardest. It took everything I had not to cry out or not to burst into tears. I have to admit it has gotten easier. I know that she is in good hands and that he is the best daddy in the world for her. It's just so hard for me to accept the new reality of my baby girls broken home.
The last thing I thought we would ever do is break her home. Yet here we are, a year and a half later, and not living together. We are both at fault, but how could we not try to fix it? I am learning to move on, putting one foot in front of the other, but sometimes it still gets me down. It's so hard to give up on the dream of our family and our life.
I can honestly say whatever dreams I had are now gone. My entire reality is a blur most of the time. Thinking past this moment is almost impossible. All it brings are tears and sorrow. One day I'll have my closure and I'll get my happy ending. As for now, I keep on going...
Most days I can just give her to him, make some small talk, and watch Buggy leave. Other days I'm just sad because of the situation we are in. The beginning was the hardest. It took everything I had not to cry out or not to burst into tears. I have to admit it has gotten easier. I know that she is in good hands and that he is the best daddy in the world for her. It's just so hard for me to accept the new reality of my baby girls broken home.
The last thing I thought we would ever do is break her home. Yet here we are, a year and a half later, and not living together. We are both at fault, but how could we not try to fix it? I am learning to move on, putting one foot in front of the other, but sometimes it still gets me down. It's so hard to give up on the dream of our family and our life.
I can honestly say whatever dreams I had are now gone. My entire reality is a blur most of the time. Thinking past this moment is almost impossible. All it brings are tears and sorrow. One day I'll have my closure and I'll get my happy ending. As for now, I keep on going...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Healing
It seems like such a simple word, something that should happen quickly. Like when you're little and you have a cut on your finger, one day it's there but the next thing you know it's gone. Why can't the heart heal this way as well?
Most days I am able to stay strong. I know I can do this on my own. I want to show my little girl that she doesn't need to depend on someone to survive. I need to show her that her mommy is strong and so is she. I've always been a survivor, I was born that way. So why is this such a hard thing for me to do?
It's hard for me to look into her eyes and not cry. She deserves to have a family, HER family. But because of certain events, she now comes from a broken home. How could I have done this to her? How could he? There are so many things I can think of that I could have done differently. BUT it wasn't just me, it takes two to make it and two to break it.
That's where the fighter in me comes out. This isn't just MY fault. Why should I be the only one trying? It's time to let go, it's time to move on. Yes it won't happen over night, yes it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, BUT I CAN and WILL do it. No one knows what the future holds, maybe we'll get back together or maybe I'll find someone who is sweet and nice. Someone who wants all of the things that I want.
Right now all I know is that some days SUCK (can I say suck?) and some days are better. Buggy and I are perfectly fine. I should be starting a new job soon and saving for our own place. I have also made great new friends through this process some only via social media (DadStreet and NewBornFree) and some from school (you know who you are) and another by happenstance (you also know who you are).
I keep going, day by day. I'm so close to accomplishing my goals, only less than a year away from my associates degree and starting the career of my dreams. I'm doing the best I can with my daughter and providing for her. Thank you to everyone who is supporting me. Though no one may be reading this, thank you anyway.
Most days I am able to stay strong. I know I can do this on my own. I want to show my little girl that she doesn't need to depend on someone to survive. I need to show her that her mommy is strong and so is she. I've always been a survivor, I was born that way. So why is this such a hard thing for me to do?
It's hard for me to look into her eyes and not cry. She deserves to have a family, HER family. But because of certain events, she now comes from a broken home. How could I have done this to her? How could he? There are so many things I can think of that I could have done differently. BUT it wasn't just me, it takes two to make it and two to break it.
That's where the fighter in me comes out. This isn't just MY fault. Why should I be the only one trying? It's time to let go, it's time to move on. Yes it won't happen over night, yes it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, BUT I CAN and WILL do it. No one knows what the future holds, maybe we'll get back together or maybe I'll find someone who is sweet and nice. Someone who wants all of the things that I want.
Right now all I know is that some days SUCK (can I say suck?) and some days are better. Buggy and I are perfectly fine. I should be starting a new job soon and saving for our own place. I have also made great new friends through this process some only via social media (DadStreet and NewBornFree) and some from school (you know who you are) and another by happenstance (you also know who you are).
I keep going, day by day. I'm so close to accomplishing my goals, only less than a year away from my associates degree and starting the career of my dreams. I'm doing the best I can with my daughter and providing for her. Thank you to everyone who is supporting me. Though no one may be reading this, thank you anyway.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A Sunday with Bug
So usually my daughter, whom is lovingly known around here as Buggy, spends Sundays with her daddy. Well today, since he is on vacation, she is having fun with me. I am so glad she's here. Some days I just need her around, to distract me or to cuddle with. Since she's been teething pretty bad lately i'm glad she's having a good day finally, and spending it with me.
As I watch her play so quietly and contentedly, I cannot help but to wonder who she is going to be. Will all of this effect her in the end? In the beginning I cried for her. How could this have happened to her? This is not the life we planned for our miracle baby. We broke her home like our parents broke ours. This is not right, it is not fair. But now I am starting to realize that maybe this was for the best. We both had some growing up to do, each in our own way. This is helping us grow and become better parents for our little Buggy girl.
I have so many questions with no answers. As I turned 21 yesterday and reflected upon my life, there were so many things that could have turned out badly but didn't. I am hoping this is one of them. Who knows what the future holds, for now it's one foot in front of the other and one day at a time.
As I watch her play so quietly and contentedly, I cannot help but to wonder who she is going to be. Will all of this effect her in the end? In the beginning I cried for her. How could this have happened to her? This is not the life we planned for our miracle baby. We broke her home like our parents broke ours. This is not right, it is not fair. But now I am starting to realize that maybe this was for the best. We both had some growing up to do, each in our own way. This is helping us grow and become better parents for our little Buggy girl.
I have so many questions with no answers. As I turned 21 yesterday and reflected upon my life, there were so many things that could have turned out badly but didn't. I am hoping this is one of them. Who knows what the future holds, for now it's one foot in front of the other and one day at a time.
How did I get here?
This is a question I've asked myself hundreds of times in the past couple of months. I still don't quite understand it, but everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.
So here's my story:
About six years ago I met a boy. I was new to a school and he was a friend. A year later we started dating. It was like this instant connection. We came from similar backgrounds and something about us just felt right. He and I were in love almost instantly but were both afraid to show it. But as soon as we did, everyone around us could see it.
He and I finished high school, graduating in the same year, and starting attending college. Over the summer we had a break up but got back together. I ended up transferring schools to be with him. Not too long after this we moved into a house together. This was the start of one of the best times of our relationship. We got a puppy, went on an awesome vacation, and found out we were expecting a baby.
The news of the child both scared and excited us. We were both unsure if we would be able to conceive a child. Yet here we were, 19 and living on our own, expecting a wonderful bundle of joy. Surprisingly to us our parents took the news well. A little less than 9 months later and our beautiful healthy baby girl came into the world.
For awhile things were good, then something happened. I don't know exactly what, but something changed. It was a difficult time. Though for me most times were good and I was completely confident in our relationship. We had some rocky times, but I knew we could get through it. Apparently he did not feel the same. There are many underlying issues, but for the sake of his privacy and ours, I will not go into details.
The point of this being, I am now back living at home with my mom and sisters, baby girl in tow of course. I'm learning to live life single and happy. It hasn't been an easy journey, some days are harder than others. But the only thing harder than the first step, is the next step....
So here's my story:
About six years ago I met a boy. I was new to a school and he was a friend. A year later we started dating. It was like this instant connection. We came from similar backgrounds and something about us just felt right. He and I were in love almost instantly but were both afraid to show it. But as soon as we did, everyone around us could see it.
He and I finished high school, graduating in the same year, and starting attending college. Over the summer we had a break up but got back together. I ended up transferring schools to be with him. Not too long after this we moved into a house together. This was the start of one of the best times of our relationship. We got a puppy, went on an awesome vacation, and found out we were expecting a baby.
The news of the child both scared and excited us. We were both unsure if we would be able to conceive a child. Yet here we were, 19 and living on our own, expecting a wonderful bundle of joy. Surprisingly to us our parents took the news well. A little less than 9 months later and our beautiful healthy baby girl came into the world.
For awhile things were good, then something happened. I don't know exactly what, but something changed. It was a difficult time. Though for me most times were good and I was completely confident in our relationship. We had some rocky times, but I knew we could get through it. Apparently he did not feel the same. There are many underlying issues, but for the sake of his privacy and ours, I will not go into details.
The point of this being, I am now back living at home with my mom and sisters, baby girl in tow of course. I'm learning to live life single and happy. It hasn't been an easy journey, some days are harder than others. But the only thing harder than the first step, is the next step....
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