Alone

Is what I am at night. Do you know that time of night, just before you fall asleep, when all of the problems you try to forget during the day come back? That's where I am. Buggy is asleep in her crib, and here a lay, alone and thinking.

What is it about the daytime that allows us to forget? Distractions maybe? Or the simple knowledge that we are conscious and cannot dream for our desires. This process is so grueling. If I could just get some foresight, a couple of months from now, just to see if I'm truly going to be alright.

Each DAY seems a little better than the last, each night on the other hand varies. Being alone is something that most people don't want to be. But I also don't just want a body, I want THAT body. The one that was meant for me. The one I thought I found. I will never give up hope that the man for me is out there, but the waiting is what hurts.

Buggy's daddy was my first real love, the love I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. I was prepared to be his wife and mother to all future children. Yet here we are, living separately, splitting our child's life into two halves, and alone. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be forever. Forever and always!! That's what we said. Why us? Why now? What happened?

How could we go from our highest to lowest point like it was nothing? I know I was always honest, yes there were things I needed to change, but obviously it wasn't just me. This sucks. I want to cry, scream, yell, and hide. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to get to this point. Devastated that my child is now, like me, from a broken home. Sad for what was and what could have been. Yet hopeful, that I will find the right man for myself and my daughter. Yes, she will always have her father, but we will find someone else.

Until such a day, I am happy being just Buggy and me. I am going to show her that she doesn't need a man to be happy, that she doesn't need a man to support her, and that she deserves everything she wants in this world but doesn't need a man to give it to her! We are woman, hear us roar!! Together we put one foot in front of the other, and take it one step at a time.